FLASHBACK just a week ago

a surprise message, from an amazing friend, has us at the paddock. what is supposed to be a drink, or two, turns into...well...it turns into waking up on kathy's couch at 6:30a. waking up there and not knowing how i got there. not knowing how the bk got there. finding a sippy cup, full of an electrolyte drink, on the table beside me along with ibuprofen, tums, and scope in the bathroom. we make the ride of shame home and sleep the day away. we vow to never drink again. 

FLASH FORWARD march 17, 2013

it's a sunday, this year, but that doesn't stop everybody from getting their irish on. many local "pubs" are offering corned beef and cabbage and specials on pints of guiness. the bk and i opt out. seriously. you have know idea how last week stuck with us. but, many of our friends partake. i feel certain some of them will be feeling it tomorrow.

^the aftermath?^

FLASH FORWARD today

so. you enjoyed being irish a little too much yesterday? or you have a big party coming up and you know...KNOW...that, even though you will attempt to drink in moderation, that things will get out of hand? you want to know how to avoid a hangover? the only way to AVOID a hangover is to avoid drinking too much. and, although it will provide you with hours of laughter and fun filling in the blanks of a drunken night on the town, it's incredibly dangerous. alcohol poisoning is a real possibility. and, unless you have a designated driver (or a great friend who would never let you drive in that condition and will, also, take AMAZING care of you), you could kill someone with your car. i can, however, tell you how to ease the pain.

• a bit of the hair of the dog that bit you:  bloody mary's were invented as a cure for hangovers. but, honestly, the last thing you need is more alcohol. try a virgin bloody mary, instead. the tobasco will help wake you up and the juice will replace nutrients you may have lost the night before.
• breakfast at the waffle house: a big helping of greasy bacon, eggs, and grits will make you feel amazing. okay. fine! there is no SCIENTIFIC evidence that this works. but last week, when i spent my sunday feeling like my life was over, i ordered the greasiest pizza larosa's has to offer and, finally, felt human.
• your pain reliever of choice: take two, before bed, and you should wake up headache free. 
• water or gatorade: alcohol dehydrates you, which is the main reason you feel bad the next day. try to stay hydrated while your partying but, definitely, rehydrate yourself the next day. 
• caffeine: if you are a regular coffee drinker, you could give yourself caffeine withdrawal. this would just make the hangover feel worse. so, drink that coffee. or a fully caffeinated soft drink.
• sleep: you don't sleep well after a night of drinking. so, if you can, take a nap (or two...or three) the next day.

i hope you enjoyed your st paddy's day. and i hope you aren't feeling it today!!

BLOODY MARY

ingredients:

8oz tomato juice or zing zang bloody mary mix

2 oz vodka

1 1/2 tsp hot sauce, preferably tobasco

1/4 tsp black pepper

1 tbsp worcestershire sauce

fill a shaker with ice. coat ice with black pepper and hot sauce. add remaining ingredients. shake well. pour into a large glass. grind a bit more pepper on top. garnish with with lemon, or celery, or however you choose. 

FLASHBACK sometime in 1992

"eloquent profanity, it rolls right off my tongue"
it's a gloomy day in upstate new york. i'm cleaning house and cody is watching "the elephant show". i open the drapes. the two year old toddles to the window and says "oh S&%T! it's raining!". ummmmm...i'm super excited because it's his first full sentence. and i'm completely mortified because it's his first full sentence. clearly, i need to watch my mouth in front of the kids. yeah. that's NOT going to happen.
FLASH FORWARD 2010
my nieces and i are in line at king's island. abby and madison are picking on emma. i look over just in time to see her flip the bird (the universal sign of love in our family). EMMA!!! "what? i was just telling her i love her?!!". welp....at least we know she retains information.

FLASH FORWARD today
today is earmuffs day. I KNOW it's to honor the anniversary of the patent some guy with giant ears (chester greenwood) got on his invention in 1877. however, i'm choosing to honor the 10 year tradition, brought to us by vince vaughn, of yelling "earmuffs" when we plan to say something in front of our kids that, maybe, they shouldn't hear.
it's really easy to say "you shouldn't use that language in front of children". but let's say you stub your toe really hard on the coffee table. are you really going to look around and check for little ears before you let out a very loud "F&%K!!!!!!!!" (or, maybe, you'll just say "d*&m" because you aren't, actually, a sailor)? no. no you're not. also, they are going to hear it a million other places (school, tv, movies, video games) so watching your mouth isn't, necessarily, going to prevent them from learning and using foul language. so, how do you prevent your child from swearing? you could search google for advice. there you will find all kinds of articles about how horrible it is for kids to talk like this. articles that say you should give them words to use instead. what? look. i taught 2 year old cody to say "sugar"...it worked, until he went to school. i say, listen to someone a little less uptight. like me!

• don't make a HUGE deal out of what the kid said. getting angry, or laughing, or immediately punishing the child will only make the word(s) more powerful. flip out and your kid is going to say "s$%t" every time (s)he wants your attention.
• talk to your kid about when that language is or isn't appropriate. maybe you think it's never appropriate. or, maybe, you think it's okay when you are extremely angry. kids aren't stupid. talk to them, rationally, and they will understand. my kids knew their boundaries. of course they used that language, but never at school, or church, or anywhere it might offend someone. 
• be more concerned with the messages of ALL the words we speak, and the tone we use when we speak them. i'm more concerned with words that sound judgmental, gossipy, or condescending. 

or, you could just yell "EARMUFFS!" right before you let the f~word fly.

^one of cody's favorite shows...no profanity included^

^"earmuff it for me"^

FLASHBACK 1956

"i'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world...life in plastic, it's fantastic!" 
ruth handler takes a trip to europe with her children. she discovers a german doll named bild lilli, a blond bombshell that knows what she wants and will do whatever it takes to get it. lilli is marketed to adults, but little girls love her. so ruth takes lilli to her husband who, by an act of SHEER coincidence, just happens to be the cofounder of mattel! KABOOM!! barbie's born. 
FLASH FORWARD march 9, 1959
barbie (named after ruth's daughter) makes her debut at the american international toy fair. she wears a  black and white striped swimsuit and signature top knot. she is available as a blond or a brunette. AND she has a backstory. she is the daughter of george and margaret roberts of willows, wisconsin. because, you know, everybody needs a backstory. everybody. needs. a backstory.
FLASH FORWARD 1961
barbie meets ken. they have off and on relationships in the minds of little girls everywhere. for eternity. i don't believe they can ever truly be happy.
FLASH FORWARD march 9, 2009
barbie turns 50. AND she still looks fabulous. boo. 
FLASH FORWARD today
barbie turns 54 today. and she remains the leading fashion doll with, roughly, 946 million dolls sold every year. how will you celebrate barbie's birthday? i'm thinking pink cupcakes, dressing like a starlet, and going out and conquering my little corner of the world. won't you join me?