we are having a party for my ex's co-workers. steaks on the grill. wine and beer flowing. i'm meeting a lot of new people. the kids are little. cody's a baby...he CAN'T say anything. noah is shy...he WON'T say anything. dustin? dustin has been talking since birth. dustin is not shy. dustin greets every single person that walks thru the door with a warm smile and a very firm (for a 3 year old) handshake. everybody thinks he is just adorable. in walks the boss and his wife. just like everybody else, they get a smile, a handshake, a "nice to meet you". the wife bends down to toddler level "well...aren't you the politest young man?!" d "you are really ugly! and you have a huge nose! are you a witch?!!". and, just like that, the party's over. okay. not OVER. but...well...i wish it was over.FLASH FORWARD today
there are 6 of us in orientation...there are supposed to be 7...the instructor, we'll call her sally, starts because...well...it's not our fault that someone is late. 45 minutes into the session, he walks in. we'll call him d~bag. why? because he is, in fact, a d~bag. he notices the instructor talking a lot about selling...d "i'm not on the sales team" s "i understand, but you will need a lot of this information in support, you will get stopped by customers and you will need to be able to answer their questions"...d~bag rolls his eyes and gives the impression that all this is beneath him (turns out he is a stock boy). we are taking a short break and sally thinks d~bag looks very familiar s "do i know you? you look familiar?" d "no, but you may know my sister...she's A LOT older" s "a lot older than??" d "a lot older than me...probably your age." i have to take a second look at d~bag. he looks, roughly, 40 years old. i look at sally. she's a little heavy set...she wears glasses...maybe she's 30? sally looks stunned. "i'm only 28! how old did you think i was?!!!" d~bag "like 35...40". wait?! what?! how old is d~bag that 35 or 40 is way older, because i was sure he was 40?! sally is clearly insulted...and hurt...d "you do look 35...". dude...stop talking.
we've all been on one, or both, ends of these situations. we've all thought someone was older than they were...or some innocent little kid pointed out a huge zit in the middle of our forehead. it's SUPER embarrassing, either way...unless your name is d~bag and you think it's your duty to insult people. so here are a few rules, especially for men, when faced with these situations:
#1~always guess our age to be younger. we know how old we are and we are all trying to stop the process. the first step in avoiding a throat punch is to not put us in an age range...but if cornered in to providing an age...ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go younger.
#2~never tell us we look fat "in this dress". maybe we DO look fat "in this dress" but we don't want to KNOW that. do you need to find a way to make us change out of "this dress"? oh yeah. you do! but DO NOT...i repeat...DO NOT...tells us we look fat. you could say "i don't really like that color on you" or "i think it's gonna get cold, maybe you should wear jeans?" but don't you dare say we look fat cuz...THROAT PUNCH!!
#3~please do not point out the obvious...do you think we don't notice the big zit in the middle of our forehead? or that genetics played a cruel joke and gave us witch hazel's nose? oh we notice!! we notice!! and, if you're brave enough to say something, you must be brave enough to take a THROAT PUNCH!!and, most important, (and what all women know and all men screw up)
#4~never never...never never never never...never ever...ask a woman if she's pregnant. THROAT PUNCH!! even if she is....
good luck and remember, don't be a d~bag...
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