...say what you need to say..."
FLASHBACK march 22, 2013
i walk in the house and the bk is on the phone. he's excited about something but refuses to say. he hands me the phone and the voice on the other end says "so. do you prefer auntie (auhntie) or auntie (antie)?" ummmm...auntie (antie) duh doy! wait? whaat?! OMG!!!
FLASH FORWARD march 28, 2013
i get a tearful phone call. "i'm on my way to the hospital. there's bleeding." it is an ectopic pregnancy. of course they are devastated. but, also, hopeful. the doctor is positive they will get pregnant again.
FLASH FORWARD today
never the person to have things go smoothly, this tubal pregnancy isn't over yet. there was a surgery on march 28. there was a dose (actually 2) of chemo on april 12. and an emergency surgery on april 14 that required removing the fallopian tube. the doctor is, still, certain she will conceive again.
i offered my support in the form of ben & jerry's ice cream and a walking dead marathon. i, also, offered to shave her head if the chemo caused hair loss (which, by the way, can happen with one dose or not at all). but i avoided all the cliche sayings: "you're young. you can try again". duh. she knows this. "i know how you feel". no. no i don't. i can't even imagine. i had 2 very normal, happy, pregnancies and 1 that was complicated but still resulted in a happy, healthy baby. "everything happens for a reason". okay. i DO believe this. but, really? i'm not sure i want to understand the reason. and the statement isn't comforting, at all.
deaths of loved ones, cancer, loss of a pregnancy...whatever the cause, offering support and comfort can, often, be difficult. how can you know what to say (or not) or do when you've never experienced it? you can't really, because it's personal and will be different for everyone. some people are going to want all your attention. and some are going to wish you would just go away. but i do have some ideas:
- do make contact. call, visit, email...but do offer your condolences and help. the person will let you know if the help is wanted. *when offering help be specific: can i bring you a meal? don't say "how can i help?" forcing them to think about what they might need done.*
- listen. listen but DO NOT offer advice unless they ask for it.
- don't say "i know how you feel". even if you think you do, they are feeling their own emotions, which might be different from how you felt.
- offer real help, like running errands. or bringing food. *idea: take toilet paper, paper towels, and tissues. especially in the case of a death in the family, lots of people will be dropping by and bringing food. paper products are the last thing on the family's mind.*
- avoid the cliches: he/she is in a better place, everything happens for a reason, or it could be worse. even if you believe it to be true, these statements don't help with the grieving process. the person will come to these conclusions on their own. in their own time.
- understand that people heal in their own time. don't push them to get on with their lives at your pace.
^pets can be incredibly comforting^
